Self Improvement, Spirituality

May 18, 2024

This is one of those letters where I'm supposed to put a disclaimer at the start.

Something like:

I don't know your current situation.

Take everything I say with a grain of salt.

But I'm not usually one to virtue signal.

If you feel threatened when someone tells you to accept suffering, you're not being rational. You're identifying with your mental position, holding onto the suffering that gives you a unique and distorted sense of peace.

Nobody is going to take away your right to suffer. My only intention is to help you understand and transcend it.

The truth doesn't need a defense. If you find yourself mentally defending your suffering even though I've barely said much, we have some work to do.

The Story You Tell Yourself

The reason for this is that we unconsciously identify with our suffering. It's a made-up story we tell ourselves in our minds over and over again to the point that it feels like it's a part of us.

No matter how bad your suffering is, you probably wouldn't give it to me or anyone else if you could.

It's YOUR suffering after all.

It could be dreadful but it's still a part of your story. Without it, you'd feel emptier.

This isn't a problem by itself, because as I'll explain, suffering is important, vital even, for growth.

Identification with suffering becomes a problem when it becomes personalized and turned into a mental position.

Then it's used to justify, judge, and condemn other mental positions without any self-awareness or honesty.

This leaves no room for truth to emerge.

Do you listen to music?

If I brought to your attention that you have a slight addiction to listening to music and should cut down a little, how would you feel?

A lot of people will automatically assume I'm spouting conspiracy theories and I'm trying to convince you that my mental position is correct.

Those same people, after hearing my opening claim, will close their minds off to anything insightful I have to say and maybe even stop reading entirely. If they don’t, how else are they going to survive that part of their identity?

The part of them that loves music and can't live without it?

For those of you that are still here, you may be able to acknowledge the fact that there is such a thing as too much music (and maybe even bad music) even if that may be uncomfortable to admit because of your previous mental position.

Our thoughts and actions are typically based on our feelings, not on logic. If you encounter information that makes you feel threatened, regardless of how logical the opposing view might be, you will likely choose your own perspective.

We only see what we want to see.

Expectation VS Reality

Expectations are the root cause of our suffering.

In fact suffering cannot happen except through an unmet expectation of what something should be like or how it should happen.

Let’s say you plan a picnic, looking forward to sunny weather. But instead, it rains.

Your disappointment stems from your expectation of sunshine.

Without that expectation, you could have potentially enjoyed the rain and made the most out of the day. If you’re unable to move past your disappointment and find something else to do, your day could turn into a prolonged negative experience lasting for days.

In reality, things aren’t supposed to be how you want them to be. They are what they are. It’s not positive or negative. It just is. Any feelings that arise come from the fabricated story you told yourself about the experience.

Marcus Aurelius realized this over 1800 years ago when he said:

Today I have got out of all trouble, or rather I have cast out all trouble, for it was not outside, but within, in my opinions.

Once you’re conscious of how your expectations determine your response to a given situation, you can use suffering to your advantage.

The Desire for More

As we discussed, suffering stems from expectations, or disappointment when those expectations aren't met.

Suffering comes from being here and wanting to be there.

This desire is what drives us to improve on a personal and collective level.

If someone is overweight, it may cause them some form of suffering. The desire for more comes in the form of going to the gym, with the intention to change their situation.

In times of war, there's a lot of suffering. At the very least, people want to prevent suffering. The desire for more here comes in the form of new technology and medical advancements.

On one hand, if you're always looking for something more, you'll never be satisfied.

On the other hand, wanting more and suffering from that is important and even vital for personal growth.

The Role of Suffering

The belief that everything should go a certain way in your life, or anyone else's for that matter, is a fallacy.

The more expectations (desires) you have in your mind for how your life is going to play out, the more you will suffer.

But almost no one is free of desire.

Suffering will take place in your life. You will make mistakes, do wrong, be wronged, be disrespected, and be shunned. It happens to all of us.

But what you see as a mistake or suffering in the current moment may be exactly what you need to experience.

The idea of freeing yourself from desire and suffering in your life seems nice, but it would have a bad effect on you.

You would be lacking in depth and the experiences that would otherwise make you an interesting and capable human.

Anyone who has experienced a period of intense personal growth can attest to this.

I am grateful that I worked a full-time job I hated for over a year. It showed me exactly what I didn't want to do for 45 years and caused me suffering every day.

That suffering is what caused me to go on not just an entrepreneurial journey, but a spiritual and self-developmental journey as well.

Yes, that was a year of struggle, lostness, and depression, but it also served as a character arc filled with massive growth and realization.

I'm grateful for my suffering. It made me into the person I am today. If not for that suffering, I would be a shallow husk with no life experience.

Here are a few things that will help you to be resilient in times of suffering, and use it to your advantage:

Acceptance

Suffering arises from being here and wanting to be there.

However, sometimes you can't get there. There will be instances where you can't change your circumstances, such as:

• When a family member or friend passes away
• When a beloved item breaks
• When you wake up late for school or work

In these situations, there’s nothing you can do.

You have two potential responses:

1. “It is what it is”
2. “This shouldn’t be happening to me”

Your response shows how willing you are to accept and move on with your life.

The only difference between the two is that one will cause more unnecessary suffering and the other will not.

“No amount of anxiety will make any difference to anything that is going to happen” -Alan Watts

You had expectations of how something was going to play out, and when those expectations weren’t met, you resisted.

High expectations + low results = suffering

Low expectations + high results = happiness

No expectations + any results = peace

Imagine you're carrying a heavy backpack.

The backpack represents your suffering, filled with bricks symbolizing negative emotions and experiences.

When you identify with your suffering, it's like constantly carrying this heavy backpack, allowing it to weigh you down and dictate your actions.

When you feel a strong emotion, it's like adding another brick to the backpack. But when you accept suffering and emotions as they are, it's like setting the backpack down.

You acknowledge its presence but you are no longer burdened by its weight. You’re free to move forward without the constant strain.

Once you realize that carrying the backpack doesn't do you any good, let go.

Drop it.

Of course, this isn’t to say that we shouldn’t have expectations of any kind.

We need to hold ourselves to high standards if we intend to achieve anything in life, but understanding acceptance is important if you want to minimize suffering as much as possible and save yourself from wasted time, energy, and stress from worrying about things you can’t control.

Do not, for a second think that you can completely ignore or eliminate negative emotions from your life.

It’s impossible.

Bad things will happen to you and the people around you.

You can use these negative emotions to your advantage by channeling them into something positive but that won’t happen unless you ACCEPT.

You have to accept suffering before you can move past it.

Channel Your Emotions

Though there are sometimes when there's nothing we can do to change our situation, a lot of the time, there ARE things we can do.

This is where negative emotions can be used for good.

Most of the problems in your life are a result of your own doing. At the very least, it's your responsibility to fix those problems.

For example, if you're overwhelmed from the amount of work you have, it might be due to poor time management. It’s your responsibility to fix this. You can use this stress as motivation to improve your time management skills, thereby using negative emotion as a tool for growth.

That was a micro example of how to channel your emotions. On a macro level, you would be channeling your emotions and suffering into making a better life for yourself.

This is what I like to call the Blueprint Method.

I teach this inside of The Purpose Planner and I touch on it briefly inside of my free course, 14 Days To Purpose as well.

How often have you heard about the high school guy who got dumped and then hit the gym?

He ends up in the best shape of his life, more attractive, confident, and mentally healthier. What began as a low point transforms into his highest. This wouldn't have happened without the heartbreak.

Even if he had found the gym anyway, the progress wouldn’t have been as fast or redeeming.

Everyone has a story. The well-known ones are about people who turned their suffering into fuel for improvement.

When you go through something bad, you can use that to figure out what you don't want.

I don't want a partner like that.

I don't want to work this kind of job.

I don't want to go back to school ever again.

I don't want to be out of shape anymore.

You're creating a mental picture of what you want to avoid in your ideal future. By confronting what you don't want, you gain clarity on what you do want.

Then, the understanding that you are closer to what you don't want than what you do will likely make you a little bit mad. At the very least, you should be disappointed.

This is how you create the demand for change. You're turning negative energy into motivational energy that aligns with your values and passions. It creates intrinsic motivation. In other words, your why.

The stronger your negative emotions, the stronger your why.

Your why determines your success or failure. A weak why leads to giving up easily, under the slightest pressure.

A strong why strengthens your resolve. It enables you to endure hardship for your worthy cause (your ideal future). With a strong resolve, the how doesn’t matter. If your why isn’t strong enough, you will find any how necessary.

That is all for today.

Enjoy your weekend and remember -

Purpose is your priority, and distraction is your enemy.

-Abraham